Happy Tuesday everyone it is not Tuesday and I can't sleep so let's blog,
I recently wrote a post with this topic which I updated because I forgot to include the links on that post. I would like to elaborate further on that post as more stuff has come up.
I am a cisgender female. Which means I identify as the gender I was born with. Female. My gender expression, however, is very masculine. Gender expression is the outer appearance of a person, dressing traditionally masculine or feminine. How you dress and look doesn't necessarily correspond or match your gender. Gender identity (cisgender, transgender, male, female, genderqueer etc) and gender expression (wearing dresses vs tuxes to a wedding for example) are two different things. My gender identity is cisgender female and my gender expression is masculine (gender expression doesn't come with the labels that gender identity does I'm just generalizing if that makes sense.)
I have explained before how my appearance/expression is traditionally masculine, I have given several examples of how society reacts to me because of my appearance. Here are some more ideas that all occurred in one day.
When a guy my friend likes tried to open up a conversation with me he said, "How's your boyfriend? Is he still gay?" My immediate response was to burst into tears but I was at their work and surrounded by children so I held it in. Just that morning I had a dream that targeted my issues and insecurities about this whole situation. I'm not going to describe the dream because it's very personal but it was very upsetting to me. That on its own made for a rough morning. So, when he said this my emotional response was higher than it would have been had that morning not happened.
Now, there are a couple things wrong with what he said. I know he was not insinuating that my boyfriend was dating a man and that I was that man. But knowing that does not stop the hurt that such a comment inflicts on me considering what I've been going through lately. When he left and my friend realized I was trying not to cry she said, "He was just joking. He didn't mean it that way." While I know this, as a member of the LGBTQIA+ community, the fact that he was using 'gay' as an insult of some kind is still upsetting on its own. So either way what he said hurt my feelings. So I took the hurt of both sides of that.
Later that day. The same friend and I went into a Mc Donalds to get a soda and use the bathroom. There was a woman in front of us in line who was ordering for herself and her daughter who was shouting what she wanted at the mother. The mother was digging for change and struggling to pay. This pulled at my heartstrings. She was just a mother who was trying to provide for her daughter. The little girl walked up to her mom and turned to look at me. She smiled and said, "Hi, What's your name?" I said, "Ky, what's yours?" I didn't understand the name she gave but I said, "that's a pretty name". I thought the girl was sweet and I felt bad for the mother. My friend and I ordered our drinks and I went to the bathroom. When I came back my friend was sitting down and the little girl went over to her. I should probably say the little girl was under five years old. I went over to my friend. The little girl looked at me and said,
"You look like a boy." I had the usual reaction to these situations. Shock. Panic. What do I say? Laugh it off. "Haha, thanks." This tactic usually works. Laugh it off and cry over it later. But this kid. She says it again. This time I have more time to think of a better response. "I've been told." My friend and I go over to the line to wait for our drinks. The girl follows and tries to steal my keys. "My keys." she insists as she pulls at the lanyard hanging out of my pocket. We go back and forth for a minute and she wins because I don't want to break my lanyard. It's brand new and has cats in space! She wraps the lanyard around her arm and we wrestle for a minute before I get them back and hold them over my head. She loses interest. I move away, getting as close to the cashier bar as possible. Where the heck are my drinks?! She comes over again. Tells me again.
"You look like a boy." Over and over and over. Then she changes to, "you are a boy". At this point I'm so irritated I just say. "Okay. If you say so." Just to shut her up. Then she switches to, "Yes, you are." Over and over and over. I'm not exaggerating when I say she said the last phrase over twenty times.
It is worth mentioning that HER MOTHER IS RIGHT THERE THE WHOLE TIME! She is completely aware her child is harassing me and stealing my property. I almost forgot, She then PUSHES ME BY THE STOMACH INTO THE CHECK OUT COUNTER. I let her push me partly because I'm shocked she think it's okay to push a complete stranger and because this is a child I'm not going to push back. I tell her it is not okay to push people and she needs to stop. I'm not usually one to tell someone's kid how to behave but I'm over it. She put her hands on me aggressively and while I'm going to restrain myself because she is a child you better believe I'm going to scold her because her mom seems incapable. Later I told my friends, "I WAS HARASSED AND ASSAULTED BY A SMALL CHILD." And her mother did nothing to scold her child. Now I'm done. I turn to the woman behind the counter and say, "I want my drinks." I'm about this close to leaving without them. She says, "Do you want to order?" I take a deep breath and calmly say, "I already did, You did not give them to me." She apologizes and takes ten more minutes to get my drinks. It was ten at night. There are two other people there. And it took this woman more than half an hour to give me two drinks while I was harassed by a kid.
What mother lets a child behave that way? I wouldn't let my sister do or say anything that kid did and said to me. The fact that the kid felt it was okay to push and steal from a complete stranger is insane to me. I understand children say things. But the way that kid acted had me really feeling like that mother was not doing a good job to teach her child simple manners and the difference between right and wrong. But that is neither here nor there.
Now. Moments like these are just moments. When they are far and in between. It's fine. But the fact that now it is so frequent that three of these events are happening a day has really gotten to me. Hence why I am once again blogging about this. I often blog to vent some issues.
It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me and like I am not good enough. I'm not girly enough. And I should just be a guy if I'm going to dress like this. A lot of this starting coming to a peak when I started wearing men's Hawaiian shirts and these new shorts that I discovered. I don't know the name of. They are men's shorts but they aren't cargo or basketball or jeans or swim trunks. They're sort of silky feeling. I don't know what they are but I was really excited to find them because I mostly wear basketball shorts and they don't look good with the Hawaiian shirts. So once my wardrobe became even more masculine these events picked up. So I've become very sensitive to being misgendered and having my boyfriend called gay.
I like myself the way I am. I love wearing Hawaiian shirts. I felt so confident in my new outfits. But people are making me feel insecure because I'm not the way they want me to be. They want me to be a man or be girly. This is the 21st century. A girl can be whatever she wants to be. So can men.
We need to stop putting people in boxes. She's a man because she wears men's clothes. It makes me feel horrible about myself. Self-love is very difficult when this happens over and over.
I am a full believer of being yourself. I will not change to make everyone happy. I will not grow out my hair. I will not wear dresses. I've tried to be another person. I've tried to be like everyone else. And that makes me unhappy. More unhappy than being condemned for being myself.
Goodnight,
Totally Ky
Photos taken by Ana. This is her photography Instagram
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