Dear Regret

Happy Tuesday everyone,

I used to think there was no point in regretting or being ashamed of something that happened in your past. You can't change the past so why bother wishing you could? Why should I spend time and effort wishing I hadn't made friends with my school bully in elementary school? Why should I feel shame and embarrassment over the things her influence made me do? I can't ever undo it. The past is a cement block I can't damage or move. It is always and will always be there. So why regret?

I came to a realization about regret when I thought about the most shameful thing I have ever done in my life. And I didn't do it once. I did it consistently for several years in elementary school. I (as well as most of my class) bullied a boy to the point that when I look back I think it's a miracle he didn't end his life.

I've always regretted what I did to him. What I said. How I acted. And I kept thinking, what is the point of regretting this? I should just let it go and move on because I cannot change what I did. Regretting this didn't fix his pain or mine for inflicting it.

This boy, now mostly a man, goes to my school. I'm very good friends with his brother and I'm friends with him too. We don't paint each other's toenails or anything but I do consider him a friend. He's wicked smart, I mean really, he's one of the smartest people I know. And he's also very sweet, and nice.  He sat across from me in class and talked to me and smiled at me. Sometimes it made me want to cry. I could never understand how he could be friends with me after the way I treated him. I look at my middle school bullies now in high school and I still feel the pain and the scars their words put under my skin. I look at these bullies and know while I don't hate them or feel the need to inflict pain on them physical/mentally, I could never have a friendly conversation with them. I could never smile or laugh with them. Because they would always be the hurtful words they said to me.

I've always wanted to write the victim of my harsh words a letter to tell him how sorry I am for what I did. But I know I could never make it better. I could never let this regret go. Realizing this opened up this door in my brain. I often imagine my brain as a long hallway of doors. Some doors are wide open and thoughts and inspiration come flowing out of them. Some doors are locked and can't be open until a specific moment. When I realized I could never undo or truly fix what I did a door came bursting open.

Regret is a good thing. Because regretting what I did has made me a better person. I can never undo the past. That door is locked. But I can use this regret, this shameful experience and use it to shape myself into the person I want to be.

Because I am ashamed. Because I have this regret. I will never make the same mistake again. If I were to forgive myself and let go of my regret I wouldn't learn from my mistakes. I am meant to hold onto the shame of what I did. I have to carry it around with me because it makes me a better person.

While regretting something small may still feel useless to me I will never feel regretting my biggest mistake will ever be useless. It would be fair to him if I forgot or let go of what I did to him. I think this is my punishment. Only it's not really a punishment because it's something I want. I want experiences that shape me into a better person.

I keep saying the phrase "better person". I think that is because it has become my mission in life to become that person. I used to spend hours staring in the mirror and hating myself. Thinking I couldn't change who I am. And it some ways I can't. But in all the ways that matter, I can. I can change whatever was in me that made me hurt him. And in a lot of ways, I think I have changed those pieces of myself that I buried so deep because I was ashamed.

That said here is my letter.

Dear M,
I am so deeply sorry for the way I treated you in elementary school. This is the one and only thing in my life I think I will ever truly regret. I will never understand why you don't hate me. But I'm glad you don't. I think that makes you a better person than me.

Thanks for helping me in biology.

Sincerely,
Kayla

P.S If you want to pretend this post never happened when we see each other at school that is cool with me. And I hope you know I will respect your privacy and not spell out the rest of the letters in your name to anyone. At least not in this context.

Until next time,
Totally Ky