Self Harm

Happy Tuesday everyone,

Have you ever looked back on a time of your life with a grimace? I'll go ahead and classify that as a rhetorical question. Everyone in their lifetime has done things they've regretted. Whether they embarrassed themselves or just made a wrong decision.

When I look back at my years in middle school I'm overwhelmed by the need to go back and do it again. To change it. Fix my mistakes. Because my life was really a mess back then. I know it sounds weird to say that because I'm only seventeen and don't have as much wisdom as the average person. But I've grown a lot from those two years.

In middle school I hated everything about myself that made me special. I just wanted to be like everyone else. But I stuck out like a sore thumb and was a perfect target to be bullied and ridiculed. But I didn't stick out because I was different. I stuck out because I couldn't except that I was different. I didn't embrace it or celebrate it the way I do now. The reason I’ve never been bullied in high school is because I love who I am. I’m loud and weird and that’s just me. I’m unapologetic. This attitude would have come in handy when I was in middle school. Confidence is the best way to ward of bullies.

I was struggling so hard to be accepted. To be the way I thought I was supposed to be that I was completely miserable and unhappy. This leads me to the main point of this blog.

One day I broke my mechanical pencil into plastic shards as I tried to fight the tears back so no one in my English class would ask what that boy said to me during P.E. I clenched my hands tight around the sharp edges and cut my palm. I let out the breath I had been holding and looked down at my bleeding palm. I had found a way to express my pain. After the sharpened plastic dulled I used nail cutting scissors. Then I went to a hardware store by my house and bought a small pocket knife that may have been meant to open boxes. I was completely terrified the cashier would see what I was. Why was a young nervous looking girl buying a knife? I think I was begging him to see. Hoping he could have the power to stop me.

That went on for two years. I bring this up because today I made a huge step. I kept that little knife with the rusted triangle blade for three years after I stopped. I could never throw it away even though I knew I would never use it again. Sometimes when I was feeling down I would carry it around with me in my pocket. Holding it in my hand to feel safe. You can see me doing the same thing today with whatever necklace I'm wearing at the time. Sometime freshman year I realized it was ridiculous that a knife made me feel safe when it represented the complete opposite. So I threw it into a drawer and every time I did spring cleaning I found it and it rotated into different places around my room until yesterday I looked at the knife I had forgotten amongst matchbox cars, Pez dispensers, bottles of bubbles and pocket notebooks. This spring cleaning was a serious one. I got rid of stuff I’d held onto for years so as to declutter my life per se. I looked at the headbands from when I had long hair that would not work with my current style, the three pairs of jeans that were several sizes to big (YES!), the single socks that were to small (my feet got bigger but my waist got smaller?) that I must have been saving to free Dobby, and the dresses I never wear because they don’t have pockets. I didn’t need them taking up space in my life/room. I felt the same way about my old safety blanket.

This is why today is a great day. My friend (I love you!) has been going through a really hard time like I did and I wanted to show her that it does get better. I showed her the knife and explained to her what it represented for me and threw it in the trash. Doing it for her made it a lot easier. When it was done and I saw the smile on her face it felt amazing.

Years of holding onto a painful memory undone by one simple decision to let go. I truly felt free.

It got better for me and it will get better for you.

"It Gets Better" music video by Todrick Hall

Until next time,
Totally Ky